If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
You Might Also Like
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here