Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates