If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
On the occasion of your daughter’s christening, please accept my congratulations and this large jar of pickled eggs.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.