Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

ㅤ

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food