If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.