If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
pelicons
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why