Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

Super Hand Dog Face

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.