If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?