If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.


[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]


I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank


[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.


If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer


The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.


The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.


[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.


I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.