if my sleeping schedule was a person
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
happy friday
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
sometimes i miss this memes
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*