if my sleeping schedule was a person
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Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police