If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Heroic Misunderstanding
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.