If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
yeah no that’s fair
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”