If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
“I FIXED IT!”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas