If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
philosophical skeletons be like
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
