If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
You Might Also Like
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
