Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO