Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

Hotels are back

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

Don’t talk down to me