Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Husband of the year 😂

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression