Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

😂

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.