Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

dril cadence

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.