Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*