Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.