Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

crochet youtube is brutal

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.