If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
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Is this you?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*puts my mental health in rice
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.