Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny