If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
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me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
i wonder why they stopped looking
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…