If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
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The Weeknd is back
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
not to brag, but mine was free
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No![]()
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Here’s a meme
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
💻🤡
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My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.