If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
The dark side of Canada
![]()
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive