Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?