If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Favourite diary entry ever
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow