Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.