If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I havenβt gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
coworker: you are so lucky that you donβt have kids
me: thatβs not luck thatβs on purpose
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
All Iβm asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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go easy on yourself <3
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didnβt stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big olβ sandwich
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I love how Hasbroβs Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. Iβm ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.