If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Not all heroes wear capes.
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.