If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*