Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Sniffing the broccoli

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?