If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.