If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.