Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.