If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”