If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
You Might Also Like
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.