If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Was it something I said?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story