If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Oh hi lol
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”