Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

*aggressively waits in line*

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

yeah no that’s fair

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

How does someone manage that 🤨

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME: