If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”