If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Smells like a challenge to me
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood