Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
[email protected] i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.