If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
You Might Also Like
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…