If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this


I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!


*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.


My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.


wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]


Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.


librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find


Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.