If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

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What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.


Wife: What ARE you doing?

Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what’s it look like?

W: Making the dog nervous.


In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.


What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?


Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*


Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.


[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]


*Drives by train wreck*

Train wreck:”I have a boyfriend.”