@TheMichaelRock
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
@ddsmidt
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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@TheMichaelRock
@MarfSalvador
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
@skedaddle74
I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!
@BuckyIsotope
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
@DadandBuried
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
@iwearaonesie
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
@dubstep4dads
[email protected] i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
@novicefather
Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.
@TweetPotato314
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
@MyNameIsArchaic
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.