If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.