Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

😂💯

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

💀💀💀💀

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go