Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.