If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?