If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I need this for my side hustle.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*