If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.