If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
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Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
worst…sale…ever
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk