If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
