Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Bread puns are on the rise!

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?