If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
*hires sky writer*
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