Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

getting corrected

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?