Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

No one :

Me when I swimming :

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids