Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.