Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

How your email finds me

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Weirdos gonna weird.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening