If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
True
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.