If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Seems legit.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Woke up against my better judgement again
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*