If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
i hate you platonically
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive