If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.