If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
