If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
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Nigella has gone too far this time.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
How to draw a duck
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Me, flirting😏
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother