Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.