If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
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Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
#winning
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Gods work.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*