If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Me when my alarm goes off
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.