If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.