If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I ate everything, including the H.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake