If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*