If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Covid like
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Pigeon open mic night.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex