if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102