if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
You Might Also Like
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.