if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls